Well, I start again today to blog. This is for me - and for a few when and if I want to publish. It is 5:10 pm Sunday, Feb. 8, 2009. I have talked to John 2 times this week-end and we ichated twice. What does he want from me? I ask - it is to be "best friends." But the latest phone call-making a trip to see Sarah - the three of us! Of course, I'm the one to make the arrangements - but "we can get a room at the hotel and kelsey can stay with Sarah." Now, how is that moving forward? and then there is my weight - I HATE my weight - 220 pounds of fat! And what do I do today - eat a bag of peanut MandM's! Katie and I started a weekly weigh-in - have I done it - NO! I didn't even fill out my food goals and exercise goals for the week. What is wrong with me?? Why do I not have the motivation or the "humphshaz" to do anything? All I want to do is cry and sleep - and what good does this do me? I can feel the angry/hurt in me - I just want to scream at John and at myself for the fantasy that I created in my mind;/life for the past 7 years or so. I want to move ahead! I want to be fit and trim and healthy. I want to have a soul mate who is my best friend and husband for life! I want to travel, to be part of family and friends, to do more with my life than just sit here. It is so easy for my head to tell me but why can't I get the body to follow thorugh? I'm behind in house keeping, in laundry, at work with paperwork and writing lesson plans. What is wrong with me God? I know that this will pass - your word says so. And do I have regrets - no and yes. Yes for the past 5-7 years of sitting on the side waiting for John - when I knew in my heart-of-hearts that he is/was not the one for me. For that time in my life - yes. He did fulfill the need - to be a "mom" again - to express and experience love in a whole new way. But now, I want more!