I blew it big time last night! I sent an email to John about how i was feeling - that's it! I am moving on - no more emails - notes to kelsey - to evelyn (i can't believe I sent her one!) - nothing to nobody. Also, no more drinking - i poured everything down the sink and i'm not getting any more. let me discover who i am god - not who others think i am but who i am. i feel ashamed, embresses, and just low-life! So, now i pick myself up and get to work on me! thank you god for getting me through last night with the pain, the tears, and the doubts. Now, onto and into a more positive life for me!

Well, I didn't make it - I email John about my plans to fly to see Sarah. Why is it so hard to break this habit? He has really treated me like dirt - it appears that he had been planning for quite a while to see Karen. Friends are standing up for me at school - which is nice! On one hand - I hope that Karen sinks his ship fast - and that the staff are ostracising him something awful! I have to keep thinking that I am being prepared for a wonderful man who is my soul mate - best friend - husband! I'm going to be with someone pretty special - and so is he!!

Is it Friday - YES it is. Why can't I get over this feeling blue! I run to check my email morning and night - check in at iChat - check my cell and home phone - and no, no nothing from John. It has been now 1 month and 2 days - and I still feel just as "ugh" as I did then. Here's looking to brighter days from the Universe and angels - especially from those Romance angels! Please come into my life! Kick me in the rear to lose weight and look forward to better days!

Monday 2/16/09

Well, I made it through Valentine's Day by myself - does eating Cold Stone Chocolate, Chocolate Mint Chip with extra almonds count while drinking a glass of wine with my cat Midnight on my lap count? There went the diet! Oh well, today starts another week - maybe this week I will lose weight. At least - I will give it a try!

2/14/09

Happy Valentine's Day to me! I am sitting here eating ice cream, have had two glasses of wine, and crying! I know that God is in control (isn't that a song) and the Universe hears my pleas, but dang, it is lonely. Yes, these two glasses of wine are in me - and I miss John the way he used to be - so attentive and romantic - but as I got bigger and fatter - his desire change too. I only hope that next year will bring my "last date, my husband." I am so loney and scared God, what shall I do? Please give me your sign - I need your help so much just to make it through the lonely days and nights. Please keep Sarah protected and safe - and may she never have these feelings of loneliness and being alone!

2/12/09

OK - here it is Thurs night - I am faced with a four day week-end. And no, I do not want to go down to John's! Because I know that I will have to do the driving - and the calling to see if we are even getting together. Nothing from him all week - last night he was on iChat - but I didn't respond. I hurt a little today - 11 years ago I received sweet-peas from a first grader. I wonder who got the flowers today. Is there someone new in his life - does he really think he will find anyone better than me? Did Lance think so too? I do feel like I am in a rut - samething samething. I do want to do somehting different. I want to meet someone different - someone who thinks that I am WOW! Help me God to keep off the phone, off his email, off ichat with John. Best friends is what he wants - that is what he is going to get!

2/10/09

Today has been the pits! Well, not that bad - but I am dreading Valentine's Day big time! I sent off John's, Kelsey's cards today - his mug should be arriving within the next few days. I need to just go day by day and not think or worry about that day. I had such a fantasy for the past 6-7 years - I was always so sure we would be together and married. I need to stop that line of thinking - and I want to move on! It felt good to work out today with Katie - I thank God daily for her! She and Sheila - what would I do without them. I seem to but heads with Amy - is it because she is "grade-level leader" and young, pretty, married with small children? Is it I am jealous of her - or is it because I think I do so much better at teaching than her and who is she to tell me how to do things? I want to be thin and fit - fit and trim - not this big fat of lump that I am. All I want to do tonight is cry right now - it's only 6:00 and I am ready for bed! How sad is that! I look ahead and I see this week-end as one lonely 4 days to fill. Maybe I will just take myself off to a casino in Laughlun for the sun and do nothing!