Is it Friday - YES it is. Why can't I get over this feeling blue! I run to check my email morning and night - check in at iChat - check my cell and home phone - and no, no nothing from John. It has been now 1 month and 2 days - and I still feel just as "ugh" as I did then. Here's looking to brighter days from the Universe and angels - especially from those Romance angels! Please come into my life! Kick me in the rear to lose weight and look forward to better days!

Monday 2/16/09

Well, I made it through Valentine's Day by myself - does eating Cold Stone Chocolate, Chocolate Mint Chip with extra almonds count while drinking a glass of wine with my cat Midnight on my lap count? There went the diet! Oh well, today starts another week - maybe this week I will lose weight. At least - I will give it a try!

2/14/09

Happy Valentine's Day to me! I am sitting here eating ice cream, have had two glasses of wine, and crying! I know that God is in control (isn't that a song) and the Universe hears my pleas, but dang, it is lonely. Yes, these two glasses of wine are in me - and I miss John the way he used to be - so attentive and romantic - but as I got bigger and fatter - his desire change too. I only hope that next year will bring my "last date, my husband." I am so loney and scared God, what shall I do? Please give me your sign - I need your help so much just to make it through the lonely days and nights. Please keep Sarah protected and safe - and may she never have these feelings of loneliness and being alone!

2/12/09

OK - here it is Thurs night - I am faced with a four day week-end. And no, I do not want to go down to John's! Because I know that I will have to do the driving - and the calling to see if we are even getting together. Nothing from him all week - last night he was on iChat - but I didn't respond. I hurt a little today - 11 years ago I received sweet-peas from a first grader. I wonder who got the flowers today. Is there someone new in his life - does he really think he will find anyone better than me? Did Lance think so too? I do feel like I am in a rut - samething samething. I do want to do somehting different. I want to meet someone different - someone who thinks that I am WOW! Help me God to keep off the phone, off his email, off ichat with John. Best friends is what he wants - that is what he is going to get!

2/10/09

Today has been the pits! Well, not that bad - but I am dreading Valentine's Day big time! I sent off John's, Kelsey's cards today - his mug should be arriving within the next few days. I need to just go day by day and not think or worry about that day. I had such a fantasy for the past 6-7 years - I was always so sure we would be together and married. I need to stop that line of thinking - and I want to move on! It felt good to work out today with Katie - I thank God daily for her! She and Sheila - what would I do without them. I seem to but heads with Amy - is it because she is "grade-level leader" and young, pretty, married with small children? Is it I am jealous of her - or is it because I think I do so much better at teaching than her and who is she to tell me how to do things? I want to be thin and fit - fit and trim - not this big fat of lump that I am. All I want to do tonight is cry right now - it's only 6:00 and I am ready for bed! How sad is that! I look ahead and I see this week-end as one lonely 4 days to fill. Maybe I will just take myself off to a casino in Laughlun for the sun and do nothing!

Monday 2/9/09

2/9/09 Today has been a great day! I enjoyed my kids at school - very little thinking about John - and I seem to be moving on. I finished up Sarah's box of Valentine's goodies - cards ready to mail - Kelsey's, John's and Mom's. Yes, I got a card for John - saying Happy 11 years of being best friends. His mug is finished and should be mailed to him sometime this week - and then I am done. He wants for us to travel together to see Sarah either in the Spring, summer, or Thanksgiving week. He wants us to get a room at the hotel and Kelsey can stay with Sarah. Hum. He did pull himself off of my phone bill - get an account of his own. I wonder if he has someone he wants to be start calling and me not knowing/seeing the phone numbers on the bill. Today - that thought doesn't hurt as much as yesterday. I can see someone with him for about 6 months - until he starts "dictating" how the relationship is going to be. Yes, I guess I don't want him to be with anyone. My problem - I over think everything. and then I start to worry and imagine what might or might not be without even having the time moving forward. I need to readjust my thinking from so many negative thoughts to positive - to see the glass half full not half empty. I know that I deserve a man who wants me in his life 100% of the time - who will admire me - cherish me - and grow old with me. How did I go wrong with both Lance and John? I need to open myself up to the possibilities that will come - not sit back and wait for something to happen. I need to speak up, get mad at John for taking advantage of me for so long - and get mad at myself for allowing it. I need to look daily for the people and things that I am grateful for. I need to remind myself that "this too shall pass." I am worthy - I am a great person - I desire the best that there is for me from God.

What I found on another blog I had started - I guess these feelings are not that old!

New Year's Resolutions
Date Created: 04 Jan, 2005, 06:05 PM

OK - here it is another "new year" - another new year about dieting and getting back into shape. Where did my motivation go? My desire to be thin and fit? Did it go because of the time I spend in the car driving to and from Oceanside - sometimes eating because I'm full of resentment because it seems as if I'm the one that is making the effort to bring "you and me" into "coupleville?" Is it the stress of work and the resentment I feel that I'm raising other people's children who just don't give a flying rip about them? Did it go into that deep hole because Sarah is getting older and getting ready to "fly off into the world" on her own? Or is it just because I am lazy and not wanting to face another rejection or failure that I am just not doing enough for myself? Whatever the reasons, I'm ready to give it another shot. Hopefully by making a commitment to this thing called a "blog" and writing thoughts, feelings, and keeping a food journal for all to read and comment on is just what I need. I love to write - but writing in "longhand" seems slow and awkward these days so journal writing is out. But maybe with this type of journeling . . .
Anyway, here's to a great start to 2005!

Well, I start again today to blog. This is for me - and for a few when and if I want to publish. It is 5:10 pm Sunday, Feb. 8, 2009. I have talked to John 2 times this week-end and we ichated twice. What does he want from me? I ask - it is to be "best friends." But the latest phone call-making a trip to see Sarah - the three of us! Of course, I'm the one to make the arrangements - but "we can get a room at the hotel and kelsey can stay with Sarah." Now, how is that moving forward? and then there is my weight - I HATE my weight - 220 pounds of fat! And what do I do today - eat a bag of peanut MandM's! Katie and I started a weekly weigh-in - have I done it - NO! I didn't even fill out my food goals and exercise goals for the week. What is wrong with me?? Why do I not have the motivation or the "humphshaz" to do anything? All I want to do is cry and sleep - and what good does this do me? I can feel the angry/hurt in me - I just want to scream at John and at myself for the fantasy that I created in my mind;/life for the past 7 years or so. I want to move ahead! I want to be fit and trim and healthy. I want to have a soul mate who is my best friend and husband for life! I want to travel, to be part of family and friends, to do more with my life than just sit here. It is so easy for my head to tell me but why can't I get the body to follow thorugh? I'm behind in house keeping, in laundry, at work with paperwork and writing lesson plans. What is wrong with me God? I know that this will pass - your word says so. And do I have regrets - no and yes. Yes for the past 5-7 years of sitting on the side waiting for John - when I knew in my heart-of-hearts that he is/was not the one for me. For that time in my life - yes. He did fulfill the need - to be a "mom" again - to express and experience love in a whole new way. But now, I want more!