I blew it big time last night! I sent an email to John about how i was feeling - that's it! I am moving on - no more emails - notes to kelsey - to evelyn (i can't believe I sent her one!) - nothing to nobody. Also, no more drinking - i poured everything down the sink and i'm not getting any more. let me discover who i am god - not who others think i am but who i am. i feel ashamed, embresses, and just low-life! So, now i pick myself up and get to work on me! thank you god for getting me through last night with the pain, the tears, and the doubts. Now, onto and into a more positive life for me!

Well, I didn't make it - I email John about my plans to fly to see Sarah. Why is it so hard to break this habit? He has really treated me like dirt - it appears that he had been planning for quite a while to see Karen. Friends are standing up for me at school - which is nice! On one hand - I hope that Karen sinks his ship fast - and that the staff are ostracising him something awful! I have to keep thinking that I am being prepared for a wonderful man who is my soul mate - best friend - husband! I'm going to be with someone pretty special - and so is he!!